I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
