I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
