How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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