Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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