Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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