It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
