too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
