Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
