Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
