Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize