At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
