i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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