i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
