this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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