I've blown a few things in my day
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
