I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
