The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I need water and some morals
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
