When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
