Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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