She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
