if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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