You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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