it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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