I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
