I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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