her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
