Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
