I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
