if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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