I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
