Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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