i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
