Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
