Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
