Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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