I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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