and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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