the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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