Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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