He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
