is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
