Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
