I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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