I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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