Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize