Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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