i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
