nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
