**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The adults are the big ones right?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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