Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
