Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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