I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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