Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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