Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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