I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
