someone threw a dead crab at me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have aggressive nipples.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
