I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
