Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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