why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
