Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
