How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Those nachos came to me in a dream
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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