From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
