I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
