hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
