you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
