I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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