I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
dude. I can hear the air.
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