I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize