She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
